Antarctica to me is the last bastion of purity in our rapidly shrinking world. It’s a dream. I hope I never get there. The intense purity of dreams makes reality seem so very disappointing.
If golf were a dream…
…An eighteen hole round would take 3 hours.
…You could fit the hot dogs–and sandwiches sold at the turn–into your mouth.
…Carts would be only for the infirm.
…The pros in the pro shop would come out from behind the counter and help you (especially the ladies).
…All players, regardless of age or gender, would be judged by the same terms and play by the same (metaphorical) rules.
…Players would know the basic (literal) rules of the game.
…Players who practice would improve, and shoot lower scores than last month.
…Lessons would work.
…The clubs you buy would improve your game.
…It really would never rain on the course–except at night.
…The “yips” would only be noises made by small (annoying) dogs.
…There would be no gamesmanship, only sportsmanship.
…Arnie would live forever.
…Kathy Whitworth would live forever.
…I wouldn’t have to identify Kathy as Kathy Whitworth.
…Byron Nelson wouldn’t have retired in 1946 and would have won 20 majors.
…Jack Nicklaus wouldn’t have used MacGregor balls and would have won 30 majors.
…Tiger wouldn’t have messed up his body and could have stuck with it until after age 50 and won 40 majors.
…Ed Sneed would have made that four foot putt on 18, and everyone would know what I’m talking about.
…We’d be in “the zone” for every round.
…We’d see the line clearly on every putt.
…Augusta National would be an uncrowded public course, cost $15, and provide free Lite Beer (okay, we don’t need that crummy beer).
…Michael Jordan would admit he’s a 10–at best.
…The LIV Tour would add Rockettes-style dancers and dunk tanks.
…The LPGA would be extremely popular, and the ladies would less revealing apparel.
…Competitive amateur golf would be as popular as the TOUR.
…The TOUR would get over its inferiority complex with respect to the majors, the Ryder Cup, and now LIV.
…The U.S.G.A. would make it easier and more compelling for everyday amateurs to get official handicaps.
…We’d no longer have ladies’, men’s, and senior tees–only tees.
…We’d never 3-putt.
…We’d all know how to execute a sand shot, and hence not be petrified to hit one.
…We’d play the game we love on every day ending in “y”.